Every single department at Children’s seems to want to call my cell first, even though we tell them time and time again to call Jessica first. So they called me this afternoon – of course I can’t see which department it is, since the number that shows up is just the main line to the receptionists. It’s been routine for me to tell them they want to call Jessica, since I’m at work; I did the same thing today.
I didn’t know this was the sleep center. I didn’t know they had a cancellation today. I didn’t know they wanted to try to get Namine in a month early. I didn’t know, if I just talked to the damn nurse, that Namine would have gotten her sleep study, and might have even been decannulated this weekend.
But what’s done is done. Namine doesn’t know any different than what she’s been living with. She doesn’t know what might have been, and she’ll be decannulated when she’s ready. So why do I still feel so horrible? Am I, then, just being selfish? For wanting Namine decannulated, not being patient for the right time but as soon as possible, for my own selfish reasons? Am I what I hate the most – a parent who cares first foremost for his own wants and desires, regardless of what his child needs?