Not too long ago, the OR nurse came back to give us a status update. It took awhile to get Namine’s lines in, but now they’re getting ready to put her on the heart-lung machine. She was intubated without incident, and she’s doing well. Waiting is the hard part, and we’re in it for the long haul. We look forward to the nurse’s visit in another hour to let us know how our little love is doing.

Waiting is indeed the hard part, but it’s made a little easier by keeping busy. So I thought I would tell you about my mixed feelings about today.

Friday was Namine’s pre-op, the last check before the real deal: today’s operation, the Fontan. One of the tests came back indicating an infection; on Saturday they called us, tell us to being Namine into the ER immediately. Jessica was out with her sisters, so Namine and I went by ourselves. After further testing, they told us that yes, she does have an infection, and it might interfere with Monday’s surgery.

Obviously it didn’t interfere with Monday’s surgery, because Namine is being operated on now. (As it turned out, the antibiotic that she’s been on for 48 hours is sufficient to continue with the surgery.) But there was a period of a day and a half where we didn’t know if it would be postponed or not, and I don’t know if I should feel ashamed for kinda sorta hoping that it would be.

I know our reasons for pursuing the Fontan now, and I am confident that we made the right decision. But before we got that call yesterday saying that today’s procedure was still a go, I found myself thinking that I wouldn’t mind so much if it were called off until Namine was well again. Not wishing, but close, I suppose. I remember each of Namine’s surgeries and procedures so clearly, but her heart surgeries I remember the clearest of all. As a parent, there is no panic-stricken moment quite like sending your child back for open-heart surgery. I had no desire to repeat that.

I am terrified; I have been all day. But I know what is best for my daughter, condescending nurses notwithstanding, and she needs this operation one way or another. What better time than now?

As I was finishing this post, the OR nurse came back in. (I guess that tells you how long it’s taken me today to pull my thoughts together.) The surgeon is almost done with the Fontan portion of the procedure – ahead of schedule, based on how long we were initially told this would take – and soon they will be able to take her off the heart-lung machine and close her up again.