All my life, I have been prone to ear infections. True story: I can’t even roll down the window when I’m riding in the car, because I will get an ear infection. It’s not a risk, it’s a guarantee. And this is exactly how I got a massive double ear infection, a couple ear infections ago. (Time is sometimes measured in “Paul ear infection” intervals.)
I noticed the pain first, but shortly thereafter I also noticed an increase in my tinnitus. On any given day, I have slight tinnitus. (It’s from concerts and being careless with headphone volume.) It’s rarely so bad that it interferes with my day to day hearing, but its increase with this ear infection severely affected my hearing. Even after I was on the antibiotic to fight the infection, I was relying on what little ASL I know to communicate with Jessica and Namine. (This was slow, because I primarily know the alphabet and not many words, requiring myself and them to spell out the words in our conversations.)
The increase in tinnitus was frightening. Being prone to ear infections, it’s been repeated to me for the majority of my life that it is possible to get one of such intensity, especially if left untreated, that it permanently damages your hearing. Here’s a tip: ask your doctor. Do not do what I did, and Google “can an ear infection permanently damage my hearing.” You will not like the results. You will find all kinds of horrifying stories.
While stricken with this ear infection, I found that I was still able to listen to music with my headphones. I had switched to using bone conduction headphones several months back. Because of the way the music is broadcast, not with traditional speakers but being conducted through the bone — thus the name — I was able to (mostly) hear my music without having to turn up the volume.
I tend to listen to music on shuffle, letting the YouTube algorithm choose what comes on next. It knows my likes (literally, because I click the “like” button on the songs I enjoy) and it has led to some new discoveries (and rediscoveries, of songs since forgotten). A new song came on shuffle, though, which I’d never heard before: To End It All, by the band Soul Embraced. I enjoyed it, but it was nothing remarkable — until the solo came on, about three-quarters of the way through the song. (3:26, to be exact.)
This discordant, hypnotic, fascinating solo stopped me, transfixed, in the middle of whatever I was doing. (I think I was folding laundry.) I couldn’t tell, in the midst of this massive ear infection, if what I was hearing was real. Was the dissonance part of the song? Was it altered by my faulty hearing because of the infection? I had no way of knowing — not until the infection had passed, and I could listen to the song unimpeded.
I often look for meaning, drawing parallels where perhaps none exist. However, the similarities here are too stark in my mind to disregard. This song, upon inspecting the lyrics, is about depression and anxiety. The artist expresses doubts about continuing living, doubtful that he has anything left but death.
I have bipolar disorder. I have a mild form of it, thankfully, but it still affects my state of mind in ways I can neither understand nor control. Much like my ear infection, it alters my perception of reality. I knew what I was hearing, but I didn’t know if what I was hearing was truth. Depression is like that: sometimes I am aware enough to know that what I think or feel is not real, but not all the time.
But one more thing is true: my ability to experience truth returned. Aided by medicine, my ear infection cleared up and my hearing did return to normal. I still have a little tinnitus — I always do — but my hearing is much clearer now. Likewise, my brain chemicals have balanced out again, too. But neither my ears nor my brain will remain healthy forever.
Just like my frequent ear infections, I know that my depression will return. And that’s okay. It’s okay to not be okay. But with the support and love of my family, I know I will be okay. I might not feel like it, in the moment, but I try to be mindful that “this, too, shall pass.” The long night will end, the sun will rise, and the morning will come again.
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