I am sitting in the living room typing this post, with the baby monitor sitting next to me so I can hear Namine’s every cough. It’s taking me a lot longer to type tonight’s up, with many a break in my train of thought because every time she coughs, I run into her bedroom. Each cough has the potential to induce another close call with throwing up – as has happened several times now – and I want to make sure that if she does throw up, I am there with a trash can. That’s no way to treat a fairy princess bedspread, anyway. I expect that I’ll be spending the night in her room again; not because I’m afraid she’ll fall out, because she’s not come close to that, but just in case she does need to throw up.

It is unfortunate, but not unexpected, that Namine is sicker tonight than last night. It could have been prevented, though. Oh yes, it could have been prevented, indeed. You see, today Jessica and her sister Chyral had salon appointments, and they brought Namine with them so her hair could get a trim, as well. Because their appointments would naturally last longer than a mere child’s haircut, we arranged for a certain family member to come and pick Namine up and take care of her for the remainder of the day. Not an unreasonable request, I should think, and Namine is much easier to care for, now that she is equipment-free.

A word about that – yes, Namine does still have her g-tube, unfortunately, but she doesn’t use it. We’re waiting until she’s well before scheduling the removal, because it will involve actual surgery. There is too much scar tissue around the g-tube hole, you see; all that scar tissue will need to be removed surgically.

Back on point. This family member that picked up Namine neglected to put her socks back on (she got her toes painted the same red as Jessica’s nails), and didn’t even put her jacket on her before leaving. I was livid when I found out. Namine’s health, even when well, is an extremely fragile thing. And she’s had this cough for a week already, thus the reason for her being put on an antibiotic yesterday. The last thing we need is another visit to the ER, where everyone is sick and Namine always contracts something else.

To be clear, my anger is profound. Before I booted up the laptop to make this post, I deliberately took my time doing the dishes in order to give my anger time to cool. It has not cooled. It has, if anything, solidified. This worsening could have easily been avoided, had this family member been mindful of little Namine’s health.

It is taking all of my self-control for this post to not degenerate into curses and vulgarity. The subject of my rage is more than deserving, having been so careless. The black vitriol I feel in my heart burns. My stomach is upset and I feel that I myself may throw up. I hope that Namine may yet get some real rest tonight, and that tomorrow does not once again see us in the hospital.

all of this hate
all of this pain
I’ll burn it all down
as my anger reigns
’til everything burns


  1. I believe your concern for Namine’s well-being and your distress over her current ongoing sickness have colored your perception of events and your reaction to them. It’s unfair of you to pronounce guilt so categorically upon this family member; Namine has had a cough, and unfortunately she still has a cough. It might make you feel better to have someone to blame, but I would argue whether being outside for a few seconds between the salon and the car on a cool (not cold) day made her condition worse. As far as ascribing carelessness and lack of concern, I urge you to get the story firsthand from said family member; I have, and the picture is quite different from the one you paint. One thing I like about your blog is your honesty; you always give us an unvarnished look at the life of your family. Sometimes, however, that means you put your foot in your mouth (see “When doctors are wrong”). This is another of those times. I pray Namine gets better quickly. I hope your anger cools. When it does, I hope to see an apology to that family member – one as public as your hasty, unfair, and deeply hurtful words of blame.

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